Here, in no particular order, are the presenting symptoms that you may be a victim of the Qovid virus, a spiritual disease that causes Catholics to mutate into Qatholics and Christians to mutate into Qhristians.
Victims of the virus lose their belief in apostolic, biblical Christianity in both its theological and moral dimensions and become increasingly incapable of anything but recitation of simple, stupid, and often transparently false lies. Rather than the creed, they come to believe there is no god but Trump and Sean Hannity is his prophet. Rather than the Sermon on the Mount, Qovid victims listen to their god’s belief in hating and lying about his enemies and hitting back ten times harder rather than turning the other cheek. If you start manifesting these symptoms, call an exorcist, deprogrammer, or possibly somebody to just slap you hard repeatedly until you stop being a fool.
Symptom: Conspiratorial worldview
If you take seriously the notion that QANON, Pizzagate, the Deep State, the Deep Church, alien DNA, Reptilians, demon sperm or some rando guys in a video telling you the President are right about hydroxylchloroquine and all the experts are wrong, seek treatment immediately. You are infected.
If you think OAN is reliable, but every reputable media source is Fake News plotting to invent tons of documentation about the only trustworthy man on earth–Donald Trump–seek treatment immediately. You are infected.
If you believe Sr. Lucia was replaced with a body double, or that Pope Francis is a heretical antipope or antichrist, you have been infected, seek help immediately.
If you think the paranoid slander of a good and honorable public servant is not batshit crazy, you have been infected. Seek help immediately in the sacrament of confession, because you aren’t just dumb, you are a filthy liar:
Symptom: Fundamentalist belief in the opposition of science and the Faith
If you find arguments like, “If evolution is real how come we still have apes? CHECKMATE, SHEA!” to be persuasive, have yourself checked immediately.
If you seriously believe that Bill Gates had COVID created in a Chinese Lab so that he could inject people with 5G nanobot tracking tech, your Qovid infection may already be so severe that it has melted your brain.
If you think all the public health professionals in the world are liars and only the man who destroyed our pandemic response capacity, handed blue state residents over to death since they were not politically useful, and talked about injecting bleach as a cure while his criminal neglect killed 177K Americans can be trusted, you are badly infected.
Symptom: Callousness toward and even enjoyment of sadistic cruelty to the weak, poor, or disabled
Do you, like Tucker Carlson, feel a compulsion to take up the “It never happened and besides he had it coming” drumbeat Rod Dreher started in the surge to smear the memory of cold-blooded murder victim George Floyd. Between “He was no angel” and “You did not just see what you obviously saw” the right wing cult of lies reliably attempts to kill its victims twice.
Do you savor lies about and cruelty to the memory of murder victims like this man does?
Do you relish the idea of destroying water supplies so that you can murder desperate people by thirst in the desert?
Do you orgasm at the sadism of tearing children from their parents and lying that you are saving those traumatized children from “human trafficking”?
Do you enjoy then spitting in the face of Almighty God by pivoting to defend the swine who wishes accused child sex trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell the best?
Do you take some kind of deep sick pleasure in defending the wilful passive euthanasia of desperate refugees by means of COVID? Do you get an extra frisson of pleasure from telling the people to whose murder you are a willing accomplice, “The law is the law!”
Do you further enjoy the cruelty of adding that the law is not the law when your god king ignores and overrules it in wilful acts of raw corruption against the innocent and in defense of the brutal and lawless.
Are you so sociopathic you seriously think this is empathy?
If so, you have been infected with Qovid and should seek treatment immediately.
Symptom: The conviction that opposition to abortion taketh away the sins of the conservative and authorizes you to do any evil and say any ridiculous lie.
The superstitious belief that Trump is the Most Prolife President in the History of Ever is completely unfounded and yet the Most Wrong Demographic in the World clings to it anyway, because Pride cannot bear to admit error. It doesn’t matter that Trump has, in fact, raised funding for Planned Parenthood every year.
Meawhile, the single proudest boast of the “prolife” MAGA cultist is the Mexico City policy. Dems cancel it when they come to power and Republicans always reinstate it as their Participation Trophy to their “prolife” base when they return. It is the MAGA cult’s perpetual boast that this proves the GOP is “truly prolife”.
Fun Fact: did you know that the Mexico City policy causes a huge rise in abortion rates? Up to 40% in sub-Saharan Africa?
And yet, neither the GOP nor the MAGA cult cares at all. Because what matters is emitting anti-abortion pieties, not actual results of GOP policies. It’s the conservative Christian equivalent of making sure the precise amount of mint, dill, and cummin are tithed while you beat your wife and kids and shag porn stars. What matters in this gnat-straining/camel swallowing cult is not that you do good, but that you look and sound good.
This is why I say that Qatholic and Qhristian piety is founded on a soteriology that teaches “Opposition to abortion taketh away the sins of the Right”. Merely rubbing a Precious Feet pin absolves of all sin–including the sin of actually increasing abortions. Conversely, saying you support choice is the unforgivable sin, even if your actual policies lower the abortion rate, as Dem policies do. Actual unborn children do not matter to this antichrist form of piety. Just saying the correct things does, no matter how deadly the results.
If you have a problem with that, you may be feverish with Qovid.
Symptom: Deep belief in your own persecution
Conservative Qatholic and Qhristian culture believes unswervingly in one thing: self-pity. If there is one thing it obsesses over, it is the Coming Persecution. For the Qatholic and Qhristian, there is persecution hiding behind every rock. Everything from Avatar to Harry Potter to the Pope to having to wear a mask for 10 minutes when you go to the grocery store is a plot against Real Believers.
Trump understands this and is milking that for all it is worth. A week or so ago, EWTN did a characteristic suckup interview with him in which he gave this characteristic answer:
Then he followed up with this candidate for a “Who Said It?: Meth-Head or Trump?” word salad:
“No religion, no anything. Hurt the Bible, hurt God. He’s against God, he’s against Guns, he’s against Energy.”
Trump’s sole message to the Qatholic media is “You are the victims of persecution by liberals–including your bishops–who are cruelly demanding you think of somebody besides yourself as you eat your cracker thingie or whatever. I alone am your Savior!”
If you believe you are a persecuted white conservative Christian living in the United States and threatened constantly with dreadful suffering for your Faith, you may not yet have Qovid, but you are the most at-risk demographic on the planet, of which more later.