Gun Cult To-Do List

Here is the basic checklist of lies and evil the Gun Cult always follows after every massacre:

• Remember: lies are your best friend.
• Offer thoughts and prayers as a prophylactic against action.
• Remember: You and your gun, not a bunch of stupid dead victims, are the center of All Things. So never ever respond to slaughter of children with “Dear God! What can I do to stop this nightmare from happening again, even if it means giving up my arsenal?” *Always* start with yourself and stay there, no matter how much so-called Normal People beg you to think of somebody else. Shout “DON’T BLAME ME! DON’T TOUCH MY GUN!” and devote your energy to maintaining the status quo, fighting change and sowing despair that any action whatsoever will work. Always accuse those who want to act of “virtue-signaling” and trying to harm you and your rights. Never budge and let yourself think of others. It’s all about you.
• Sternly declare that “It’s too soon to politicize this tragedy by trying to prevent the next one.”
• Immediately politicize this tragedy by shouting “MOAR GUNS ARE NEEDED!”
• Trot out the exhausted “It’s a sin problem, not a gun problem” lie. Don’t mention that sin is evenly distributed across the human race, but the gun slaughter is concentrated here because your filthy cult of blood-soaked liars insists on making guns easy to obtain.
• Trot out the exhausted “Cain used a rock and a determined killer will find something else if he can’t get a gun” lie. Don’t mention that this is a dumbass reason to give a butcher the technology of mass slaughter and that you might as well say, “Let’s give ISIS nukes and then pray God changes their hearts.”
• Trot out the exhausted “I need guns to protect my family” lie. Don’t mention that the presence of a gun in the home vastly increases the chances that a member of your family will be shot.
• Trot out the absolutely stupid “Good Guys with a Gun” lie and call for armed teachers. Cover up the fact that a) at Columbine, police waited 1 hour to enter the school and 13 people were murdered; b) in Orlando, police waited for 3 hours outside Pulse and 49 people were murdered; and at Uvalde police waited 45+ minutes; 19 children and 2 adults were murdered. Ignore the fact that you are demanding teachers do what trained law enforcement are afraid to do and that the odds that an armed teacher will be mistaken for the shooter and killed by cops (particularly if he is brown) go up astronomically in a crisis. Steadfastly distract from the fact that this is all GOP Gun Cult lies so they can keep sucking from the bloody teat of the arms industry while our children are slaughtered.
• Trot out the grotesque lie that you need a gun to overthrow tyranny. Ignore the fact that your bloody-handed cult used your guns to impose tyranny on slaves and that the federal government crushed you in 1865. Ignore also the fact that the instant a white supremacist was in charge of the US in 2017, the arms industry suffered massive financial losses because your racist cult stopped buying guns since you knew he was one of you. Ignore the fact that when Trump announced to a cheering NRA throng that he was giving the cops millions of dollars of military weaponry, you did not tremble about “state tyranny” but rejoiced because you knew the cops were going to fight for your blood-soaked racist cult. Ignore the fact that the NRA fought to keep blacks from getting guns in the 60s and that your evil cult said nothing to defend Philando Castile from his state executioner and blamed the black victims of Dylann Roof for being unarmed. Remember: the lie is your truest friend and you are trained liars.

• Ignore the enormous disproportion between our slaughter rate and the “Good Guys with a Gun” fantasy.

• If shooter was brown, race bait about the Great Replacement and brown people coming to kill “us”. Don’t define who “us” means since your fellow white gun nuts all know.
• If shooter was white, insist that he was a Lone Nut utterly disconnected from the Gun Cult, who all would have stopped him if they had only been there to demonstrate their fantasy courage.
• Blather about how you can’t expect anything else as long as one abortion is permitted anywhere on earth.
• Say nonsensical garbage like “It’s because we no longer trust in God that we have to trust in our arsenals”. Don’t even listen to yourself as you say this blasphemous nonsense lest your own bloody, blasphemous shame overwhelm you. Also, don’t mention that the US is 65-75% Christian and Japan is 2% Christian and yet Japan does not have constant mass shootings while we average more than one per day.
• Pontificate on “Why this is bad news for Biden” on FOX. Don’t mention that he was warmly welcomed in Uvalde while the blood-soaked butcher Greg Abbott, who is directly responsible for Texas lax gun laws, was loudly booed.
• Make sure every Republican votes to block legislation that might be sane.
• Hold an NRA meeting in Texas.
• Lie that you have made a devastating point by claiming that there is some sort of contradiction between arming Ukrainians to defend themselves against Russian butchers and denying arms to American butchers being attacked by no one. Never stop lying for one second. It’s all you’ve got.
• Promote “false flag” theories blaming the Liberal Deep State and the parents of the victims for the massacre and claiming that this is the next phase of the liberal attempt to make patriots look bad and seize their guns.
• If victims fail to grieve in a picturesque way useful to your “MOAR GUNS!” propaganda machine and dare to confront you for taking arms industry blood money, immediately lie that they are “crisis actors” and harass and threaten them as Marjorie Taylor Greene harassed Parkland kids.
• Blame “mental health”. Neglect to mention that the Trump Administration destroyed an Obama-era policy that made it harder for mentally unstable people to acquire guns. Also neglect to mention that mental illness is evenly distributed around the globe but gun slaughters are concentrated in the US.
• Equate “mental illness” with “evil” and pay no attention to the fact that you are scapegoating the mentally ill to wriggle out of your own blood-soaked guilt in making guns easily available to butchers.
• If somebody makes a reasonable proposal like this

…then respond, “The reality is that the interventions in that post won’t stop wealthy sociopaths from getting guns. It’s a bad plan.” In plain English, this filthy lie means, “Anything that does not reduce the slaughter by 100% is a waste of time.” Ignore the fact that all Normal people will brave the threat of Bill Gates shooting them if it can cut our gun slaughter rate by 95%. Remember: you serve the father of lies and your job is to fuddle people, not to teach.

• When a nation is screaming in agony, that is an excellent time to go on line and post laugh emojis at all the wussy libs, soibois, and dumb females for not knowing the exact taxonomy of each and every steel phallus you cherish as you turn a blind eye to a heap of dead children. Be sure to talk down to anguished people and mock them for not knowing or caring what an AR-15 or an assault rifle is in granular detail. People will definitely love and appreciate how very smart you are for chuckling at them as they kneel down to vomit out their pain and pound the ground with their fists after looking at the umpteenth set of photos of beautiful children whose remains were so badly shattered that they had to be identified by DNA. This is the time for loftily superior chuckles like, “Oh you emotional libs and your childish outbursts. Let an expert correct you about magazine capacities and caliber sizes”. There is nothing like a Thinking Man with a Gun to calm down an absurd grieving female in one of her little tizzies about some massacre that didn’t even involve you, yet for some reason, she thinks you are a monster just because you try to bring a little rationality to all the theatrics. Women and libs! They think it’s all about them. Amirite, guys?
• Simultaneously lie that laws punishing post-abortive women will surely fix abortion (when studies show they do nothing about to lower abortion but do raise maternal mortality rates) while also lying that all law is futile in confronting gun violence, despite this fact:

• Above all, when in doubt, always, always, always lie. It’s all you’ve got. Repeat the mantra: Lies are the Gun Cultist’s best friend.